Avast, ye scum ridden weevil shaggers

Ahoy, me hearties! Given dis be Talk Loik a Poirate Day, oi'll be deliverin' me prattle from a perspective wot may trouble dem among yers dat fink talkin' proper is evidence o' gentility and good breedin'. But if ye be concern'd about learnedness and talkin' proper then ye'd best be heedin' me warning to yers on dis fine September day.

Oi'v heard some talk among de heathens 'bout the nefarious villains dat be plannin' ter pollute de hearts'n'minds of th'littlies in dem thar schoolrooms of de northern colonies. And blow me down, but dey be finkin' o' startin' de same codswallop in deese parts too!

Oi mean - just listen ter dis quote from de Washington Post fer a start:

"With the president endorsing it, at the very least it makes Americans who have that position more respectable, for lack of a better phrase," said Gary L. Bauer, a Christian conservative leader.

(Oi can fink ov lots ov "better phrases" but bein' a lady, oi'm gonna avoid sayin' fings here dat'd make a sailor blush).

Anyone wiv 'arf a brain who's travel'd a bit could tell yers wot aur mate Charlie woz goin' on about back in 1859. And anyone who cain't see the resemblance between monkeys and man ain't lookin' hard enuf. We also knows de world ain't flat even tho' some thought it so for 'undreds 'n 'undreds ov years and probly still do in some parts. Even Marco Polo knew better'n'dat when 'e did de spaghetti run to China an' first encountr'd aour Lord FSM in 'is noodly glory.

Normally oi'm a big believer in "live and let be" but bein' a mudder o' seven luvly sprogs, oi fink de time has come to stand up to de vile dogs who be wantin' us to go back to de days o' dem primitives, who as yer know couldn'a see lightenin' wivout finking it be de anger ov de gods. Mebbe dat suited me in my poiret days, cuz t'was loik takin' candy from veritib'l babes but oi'm fearin' for me culture now - me scallywaggery and me freedom in a world dat is increasin'ly in de hands of an international legion o' darstardly louts wiv nuffin between their buccaneers 'xcept sawdust 'n villainry. Fings are serious!

In fact, oi'm so flabbergasted 'bout dis issue dat oi've written a pome ter express me feelin's (wiv apologies'n'fanks t' young Willy Yeats):

Turnin' an' turnin' in the widenin' current
De parrot cannot 'ear the poirate
Fings fall apart; de keel cannot hold;
Sheer mutiny is loosed upon the seas
De ceremony of innocence be drowned;
De best are lily liver'd varmints, while the worst
Are full of wrathful scoundrelness, comandeering the deck
And shivering me timbers.

Naow oi ain't 'ad much book learnin' but it's bloomin' obvious dat dere ain't no designer up dere in heaven - any mug who's been at a live birth'll tell ya dat. Oi mean, take a look at the geezer who's running fings in de world! If anyfing, it's a case of unintelligent design, an' ter be frank, oi dunno why de so-called intelligent design network don't embrace dis more fully given dere fondness fer imaginin' skullduggery and evil everywhere dey look.

De universe ain't evil - it be absurd and de sooner we just accept dat, de sooner we'll all get our sea legs fer livin'.

Now call me a salty old hussy but oi misses de olde days wen de lubberly Johnny Scopes was almost drawn and quartered in de great Monkey Trial. T'was alot harder in dem days ter speak yer mind on dat sort of fing and oi'm hopin' dat Scopes' story'll give you young'uns a bit o' conviction in the comin' dark days when ye may need ter fight fer yer intellect'l freedom.

Before oi go oi'd loik to warn ye 'bout dese clowns who be makin' a mockery ov de whole fing. Intelligent fallin'? As an intelligent fallen woman, oi'd loik ter respecfully demur. And praise be ter de great god FSM dat oi can still have me own views in dese nouveau dark ages before de dawn (of Aquarius oi'm told - gawd 'elp us!).

Anyway - oi'd loik ter fank yers for listenin' to me warblin' on dis blessed day - yers really are a rum pack'o'coves, y'know. Happy Talk Like A Poirate Day ter one'n'all. Even 'im.